Scribblings of the Opiated Sherpa

I wanna be me. I want to be the stand-up guy. I want to be the guy with principles. I want to do the things I say I'm gonna do. I want people to believe in me. I wanna be me.

Forgotten again. The time I waste waiting, The phone that doesn't ring, The plans they fizzle, And something sinks inside. I call, No one picks up. I expect a call, And no one dials. I don't know if I want too much, Not enough. Do I live up to expectations, Or fall flat? Isn't it possible, For that small bit of courtesy? You can't come, You won't be able to make it. Forgotten again .

Red light, green light. To go or to stop. Whether its bad or its good to go. Still no or possibly yes. It could be big or it shrinks away. Its becoming time to find out again.

The time, It passes, It does funny things, But it doesn't make me want you any less. I adore you, But I can't see you, Until I try and forget you, And then the cycle starts again. I sit down and talk to you, We chat like the best of friends, A natural only bettered by the forest, And I'm scared to harm it. You told me once, That it wasn't the right time, I didn't want to lose the thought of you, So I sit and wait to give me the okay. Time in between, Can be long and far apart, Every time we meet, Seems like the first time repeated. I want to try, Try to have a second time, Where we don't have to catch up, And just continue on. I don't know if you're trying to get closer, I don't know if you're trying to see each other, I don't know what's goin' on, But when I know... When I know... I will make you feel wanted, Make you feel needed, Make you feel safe. I want to support, Your dreams, Your desires, And your cares. I want the thoughts of...

I'm trying to resist It shouldn't really happen I don't even know for sure. It's a good thing Not knowing keeps me from falling Too far from too much.

You’ve gotten me to write again You’ve got me up thinking about you about what we could be about who we are I want to show you what’s in my head what’s in my heart what’s on the piece of paper I come on a little strong But I have nothing except good intentions except patience except a little bit of hope

I can’t believe That I stand here The only one that feels… You don’t believe In love Like I don’t believe In God What’s not to believe? Its happiness Its sadness Its joy Its madness It’s unfortunate How a feeling Can suddenly disrupt freedom… We were free To do what we wanted We did what we wanted We were close Close on the couch Close to each other Now I can’t throw a ball to you You’re so far away Distant I still see you in me But you walking away Is the picture Seared painfully in me Saying that I care Won’t be enough Saying that I feel Has obviously made you go

People see you. People see you smile. They see what you wear, They notice how you act. Can they see what you feel in your eyes? Can they find you when you’re up? Can they catch you when you’re falling? It’s easy to see the person in front of you. It’s easy to judge them, It’s easy to place them on a pedestal, But when does the dream end? There are places that you should be at. There are places that you wish you were at. There are places that I wish you were at. Happiness comes in the strangest of places. The magic of the atmosphere surrounds you. The magic of the evening embraces you. And the dreams of Neverland whisk you away into sleep. Evenings without the bustle of downtown are just for you. Evenings with the gasp of clean air are saved for you. Evenings of spring come forward to please you. So graciously, you wish you could share. You spin around and wish for a present. You twirl around and wish you can fly. You turn your head and look for that someone. Where?

She is my capital girl… She’s on the other end of the line… When I want her on the other side of the room. She has already spoken volumes… Of life, love and everything in between… Between the ‘whatever and the what not.’ As she speaks to me… I can feel pages of my very own book… Begin to open up… For all the world to read. I keep pages of my book… Folded in my pocket… For that eventual meeting… With my capital girl. She already knows what is on those pages… But it is something that is better to have… Then to have thought about… Or talked about. Being as far away as she is… She somehow has managed to be… Special. It’s amazing how the mind wraps around… The goodness of someone else… Around and around… ‘til the heart has seen all the boundaries. She continues to amaze… As looks inside her… And I poke my head around… To take a little peek. She has a simple grace… That slides along the path… Not leaving a footprint in the snow… No one even knows I have… That capital girl.

A mistress to the highest degree… A flirt even to the likes of me… Legs for as long as the eyes can see… Refined just enough for that cup of tea. Oh, what am I talking about? She’s a girl so far away… Only contacted from a distance… I can’t even see her face today… Communication is as limited like an allowance. We speak candidly about being together… We speak wildly about times that have been… My jokes of her wearing leather… And her curses were enough to qualify as sin. She’s ever so sweet to be my friend… She’s ever so sweet to be here with me… She’d stay put until the end… And I’d show her all I could be.

I don’t think it could have been quicker… I don’t think it could have happened with anyone else… And I’m pretty sure, It would be hard to see it happen again. You get me. You understand. It was only a matter of moments, Before the store closed… Before we quipped our sarcasm… Before we made up our stories… And already had an unspoken agreement. You had me there… Laughing to our understanding. The language of a generation, Spoken in song… Spoken in film… Spoken to each other, As the hours roll on. We had plans with each other… With more intentions to understand. We went out for evenings for weeks, Walkin’ around downtown… Drivin’ around the whole town… Sittin’ and enjoyin’… Our present company. We had each other there… Havin’ ourselves a whole lot of fun.

I want you to hate me, And hate me, And hate me some more, Just so I can't feel anything for you anymore. I write you this letter, Days before I know that you are going to leave, I want you to hate me now, Just so I can't feel you when you're gone. I know when you go, You'll never try to communicate, So I don't want to lose a friend, I'd rather lose someone who hates me. It didn't take you long to open the envelope, And the words start to fade, On the letter I wrote, Saying how much I'd want to be with you, And how I'm saying good-bye. Don't say see you soon, Just say good-bye. Don't look back at me, You can't offer what I want, Don't give me hope, When I don't want to feel you at all. So I slip this envelope onto your desk, The day that you go, The day that you want to say 'see you later', When I know it's going to be good-bye. And when you leave through those big black doors, You'll be away in a big city, Never t...

Do I have devils in my head? Am I feared for my devilish appearance? Are the horns a dead give-away? Will you burn to talk to me? Run to save your soul, From that image in your head, And the belief in your judgement, Run from your beliefs. Your beliefs will re-appear, In other Devil people, You'll never be free, If you continue to believe.

I couldn't help thinking about you, Before we had even met, And I was thinking about you, For a long time afterwards. Yourself being what you are, Was enough to have me interested, In learning about who you think you are, And who you want to learn to be. And it was sad when you left and said nothing, The tears would slowly run down my face. Now after quite a while you return, It hurts so much to re-discover, it bleeds.

Who is gonna eat This shit I feel like Tonite? Not her. Not him. You'd be hard pressed To find anyone. Who is gonna put The smile Back on my face Tomorrow? That guy won't. No chance in hell. She wouldn't Do it either. Is anyone Even listenin' To me In the first place? Hearing no evil Seeing no good And speaking the words Everyone wants to hear. It's too late For you To save me. Save yourself.

Hey there pretty girl, You don’t need him, When those beautiful smiles, Turn into frowns. Hey there pretty girl, He only uses you, To get closer to those, Who will only laugh you down. He gets himself ahead, With a pretty face at his side, Pleasing your animal needs, But that isn’t your only side. In what you find as love, He knows as convenience, And your heart is left standing, Out there in the cold. And as the circus rolls into town, You are close beside him, Only for him to reach into your chest, And pull out your heart. He waits for the elephants to pass, And he throws your heart out, Only to be trampled, So he wouldn’t have to fulfill it. He’ll pump you full of kids, And you’re his forever, Or until he’s done, And you’re left with the litter. Don’t believe me? It’s happened before, A different couple, A different time. I don’t want that to happen to you, I want you to find a good one, Or find me, Who sees your heart in the cold, And lets it sit by their fire.

She sends my heart a flutter, A new muse to lay my eye upon. She is so animated and passionate, Her smile beams illustrious beauty, Her eyes speak more than a thousand words, And her features are accented by personality. A smile and wave sends me through the roof, Time between visits is left to think about her, Just waiting for my chance to shine, Soon enough.

A great treasure, Your smile is to me, From being overly appealing to look at, To being worth so much in the long run. I know you and me, We don’t smile as much as we should, But if we fed off more time together, We can smile a whole lot more. With you right here, You can be the cure to my loneliness, And I being next to you, You can trust me to be what you need. Best friends we can be, And great people together, To smile and enjoy, What time we spend together.

Don’t feel like reading, Only feel like writing. Because I’m tired of singing, And all I’m doing is waiting. My face sunburnt red, My nose makes me look like Rudolph, And my forehead looks terrible, Lots of lotions to help me out. The music plays, As I sit outside, There was a rainbow, A little while ago. I’m too lazy to make dinner, And my company should be returning, More sooner than later, And they just might bring something with them. The clouds are big from my balcony, Breaking the blue sky, Not letting the sun down, And teasing with the idea of rain. A branch broken below, From the ratty old tree behind the fence, Sounds emulating from the building across the way, And the time just flies by on another long weekend. And here I write, For the sake of keeping myself busy, Waiting for something new and exciting, To call or arrive. My two patio chairs are what I sit on, Comfortable for plastic, And they point me in the direction, Of the sun now breaking through. Comfortability is an a...

Tonight, I question the number of hours, I have put in to everyone. A little self-doubt on the rocks, Served with a bowl of the finest emptiness. Every night that I feel this way, I have to downsize my expectations, Of life and people, And soon the downsizing will make out to be nothing. So little to hope for, And nothing to expect when you do hope, Leads me to be more jaded, And the more jaded means the more cut-off. It will be hard to convince me of what is good in the world, When all I get is indifference, Indifference and disappointment, Disappointment and loneliness. A sob story that can describe me to a tee, Still so young as so virile, And nobody chooses to run with me, To see where I can take them. Funny, eh?